Today it's official, Bush. I'm declaring the start of my first annual War on Christmas. (I would have done it yesterday, Black Friday, which seemed the most propitious date, but the War in Iraq raised its ugly head and it would have been hard to compete with the news of more than two hundred dead, so I postponed my own declaration until today.) This news should hearten those who have fantasized the existence of such a war in the past, and who will now have something real to get their teeth into.
Yes, Virginia, there IS a War on Christmas.
My casus belli? Or should I say casi belli? I'm a little rusty with my Latin plurals these days, but there are many of them, Bush. Here's an admittedly incomplete list (with thanks to Ellie for her contributions):
Jingle Bells
Department store Santas
Shopping mall Santas
All other sources of fraudulent HoHoHos
The escalation of the gift war
Greetings cards with images of the family
Greetings cards with images of Rudloph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
and all other forms of wildlife and domestic animals
Sleigh bells
Santa Claus wish lists
Bing Crosby singing White Christmas
Images of airports filled with frustrated travelers on my TV screen
False advertizing
Pseudo snow
Pseudo holly berries
Pseudo mistletoe
Pseudo good cheer
Egg nog, all too real
Hypocrisy, particularly the pretense that this is all about Jesus
Sony Play Station 3
Nintendo
All other games, toys and dolls that stimulate the spirit of violence among children
Sleigh bells ringing
Neglect of the hungry and the homeless
Credit card purchases that cripple the family budget
Jingle Bells
Traffic jams
Angry drivers on the freeways
HoHoHo
Faux Christmas trees
Abandoned Christmas trees littering the streets in the coming weeks
Christmas decorations appearing two months before Christmas
and strictly for reasons of commerce
Self-righteous breast-beating about Christian "values"
Dogs and cats in Santa hats
Rampant paranoia
AM radio (any station)
Elevators, shopping malls, supermarkets and department stores
and all other locations with wall-to-wall Christmas "music"
The abject pretense of goodwill to all men (and presumably women too)
Jingle Bells
As I say, Bush, it's only a partial list, but it provides me with sufficent cause for my personal declaration of war.
With this declaration, I hereby welcome all volunteers to the cause--a coalition of the willing, if you will--and I expect each member of my volunteer army to bring his or her own casus belli, along with the only weapon I will allow in our pursuit of eventual glorious victory: words.
Call me Scrooge, Bush. To which I'll just say, Bah, humbug.
Oh, and by the way, I can reassure all my volunteers that I have what you notably failed to provide for in your War on Iraq--or indeed, in your larger War on Terrorism: a guaranteed exit strategy. Mine is called, in England, Boxing Day--the day after Christmas when all good Christians do penance for their excesses, nurse their hangovers, and return their unwanted presents to the store for cash or credit.
Have a good one, Bush.
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3 comments:
Well Peter, not being 'christian', I don't celebrate it:). However, I did in years past. Subsidizing the power company is not my idea of a good time. Cutting down a perfectly good, living, growing tree, to stick it in water [or not] for a month, put lights on it to heat it up, and possibly burn the house down..not my idea of fun. Wind up so far in debt, for presents that will probably be taken back [for the cash, why didn't I send cash in the first place?], not my idea of fun, especially if I'm still paying it off come next Christmas. If I have to listen to one more of those outdoor Santa's and their bells, aaggghhhh!!! Sales?...I don't think so. It's what the price should be before it's marked up the rest of the year. No one is loosing anything, they just aren't getting the extra cash they tacked on. The guilt trips friends and relatives put on you is... what can I say. They get something for you that is so damned expensive, how in the hell could you ever reciprocate? Why not a nice picture of them in a frame? Why not some nice jam or jelly with a ribbon around it? Why not something crocheted/knitted or hand made? A bag of oranges, with happy faces drawn on them? A tin of cashews? If I see one more jewelry set... I'll find someone I don't know and hand it to them. My relatives insist on this one day of the year to show me how much they care... and the more expensive I guess shows more caring... I'd rather have a hug, and an 'I love you'...Oh, and make that one year around ;D.
Here's the thing gringo,
When you do things like equating racism with the State of Israel - and alluding to the notion that Israelis are not human - It is actually you that comes across as an ignorant, simple-minded bigot. Perhaps you are just anti-semitic, which in all honesty is your prerogative. You certainly wouldn't be lonely there, in that camp. But as for the refugee camps, and their increasing population: It is crucial to understand that the Palestinian refugees are and have been growing in number since 1948, owing to the fact that their Arab brethren states which host the camps have refused to absorb its people, or give them any sort of citizenship or rights, for the sole sake of keeping the refugee problem alive and growing - as a political hand against Israel. Which of course, somebody like you swallows and buys, hook and all, no questions asked. You might want to actually study a bit of Middle Eastern History to learn that Israel is the only state to give the Palestinians citizenship - (including Arab women who did not have the right to vote in any surrounding Arab state even) alongside the Jews - Yes, they are both Israeli. And - that while Jordan is the only other country to have come around to giving the Palestinians citizenship in an effort to absorb them, they also killed thousands of Palestinians who wanted to take over Jordan, in a little known historical Arab to Arab struggle called Black September. It's a little problematic, to say the least - to define the terrorists as "those dropping the bombs" - unless you mean we are all terrorists - and that the US should give land back to the Mexicans, and to the Native Americans - and that the Palestinians - should really give Gaza and the West Bank - Ramallah and all back to the Turks. After all - That land belonged to the Turks before it fell to the British.
There's a long entangled history there. Do you see what I am getting at? And I am NOT suggesting that the Israelis are 100% right in their actions of resolution, nor that the Palestinians are 100% right in theirs. But this issue deserves to be studied in depth. Because a shallow understanding can only lead to the kind of demoralizing statements you have been making. And THAT, Gringo - is the difference between Michael Richards and Mel Gibson, which of course you don't understand. The former OWNED up to being racist and resolved that he needed to look into himself and work on himself, while the latter simply denied his uglier side and just blamed its existence on the booze. If you're anti-Israel and anti-semitic - just have the balls to admit it and live with yourself as such - Don't try and blame it on an intricate history which you clearly don't have the patience or desire to truly try and understand.
Ignorance of history never stops a young mind from spouting off, nor a politician from utilizing it.
Here's some history:
Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do
Friends,
Tomorrow marks the day that we will have been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.
That's right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.
And we haven't even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole. No wonder the cab fare from the airport into Baghdad is now running around $35,000 for the 25-minute ride. And that doesn't even include a friggin' helmet.
Is this utter failure the fault of our troops? Hardly. That's because no amount of troops or choppers or democracy shot out of the barrel of a gun is ever going to "win" the war in Iraq. It is a lost war, lost because it never had a right to be won, lost because it was started by men who have never been to war, men who hide behind others sent to fight and die.
Let's listen to what the Iraqi people are saying, according to a recent poll conducted by the University of Maryland:
** 71% of all Iraqis now want the U.S. out of Iraq.
** 61% of all Iraqis SUPPORT insurgent attacks on U.S. troops.
Yes, the vast majority of Iraqi citizens believe that our soldiers should be killed and maimed! So what the hell are we still doing there? Talk about not getting the hint.
There are many ways to liberate a country. Usually the residents of that country rise up and liberate themselves. That's how we did it. You can also do it through nonviolent, mass civil disobedience. That's how India did it. You can get the world to boycott a regime until they are so ostracized they capitulate. That's how South Africa did it. Or you can just wait them out and, sooner or later, the king's legions simply leave (sometimes just because they're too cold). That's how Canada did it.
The one way that DOESN'T work is to invade a country and tell the people, "We are here to liberate you!" -- when they have done NOTHING to liberate themselves. Where were all the suicide bombers when Saddam was oppressing them? Where were the insurgents planting bombs along the roadside as the evildoer Saddam's convoy passed them by? I guess ol' Saddam was a cruel despot -- but not cruel enough for thousands to risk their necks. "Oh no, Mike, they couldn't do that! Saddam would have had them killed!" Really? You don't think King George had any of the colonial insurgents killed? You don't think Patrick Henry or Tom Paine were afraid? That didn't stop them. When tens of thousands aren't willing to shed their own blood to remove a dictator, that should be the first clue that they aren't going to be willing participants when you decide you're going to do the liberating for them.
A country can HELP another people overthrow a tyrant (that's what the French did for us in our revolution), but after you help them, you leave. Immediately. The French didn't stay and tell us how to set up our government. They didn't say, "we're not leaving because we want your natural resources." They left us to our own devices and it took us six years before we had an election. And then we had a bloody civil war. That's what happens, and history is full of these examples. The French didn't say, "Oh, we better stay in America, otherwise they're going to kill each other over that slavery issue!"
The only way a war of liberation has a chance of succeeding is if the oppressed people being liberated have their own citizens behind them -- and a group of Washingtons, Jeffersons, Franklins, Ghandis and Mandellas leading them. Where are these beacons of liberty in Iraq? This is a joke and it's been a joke since the beginning. Yes, the joke's been on us, but with 655,000 Iraqis now dead as a result of our invasion (source: Johns Hopkins University), I guess the cruel joke is on them. At least they've been liberated, permanently.
So I don't want to hear another word about sending more troops (wake up, America, John McCain is bonkers), or "redeploying" them, or waiting four months to begin the "phase-out." There is only one solution and it is this: Leave. Now. Start tonight. Get out of there as fast as we can. As much as people of good heart and conscience don't want to believe this, as much as it kills us to accept defeat, there is nothing we can do to undo the damage we have done. What's happened has happened. If you were to drive drunk down the road and you killed a child, there would be nothing you could do to bring that child back to life. If you invade and destroy a country, plunging it into a civil war, there isn't much you can do 'til the smoke settles and blood is mopped up. Then maybe you can atone for the atrocity you have committed and help the living come back to a better life.
The Soviet Union got out of Afghanistan in 36 weeks. They did so and suffered hardly any losses as they left. They realized the mistake they had made and removed their troops. A civil war ensued. The bad guys won. Later, we overthrew the bad guys and everybody lived happily ever after. See! It all works out in the end!
The responsibility to end this war now falls upon the Democrats. Congress controls the purse strings and the Constitution says only Congress can declare war. Mr. Reid and Ms. Pelosi now hold the power to put an end to this madness. Failure to do so will bring the wrath of the voters. We aren't kidding around, Democrats, and if you don't believe us, just go ahead and continue this war another month. We will fight you harder than we did the Republicans. The opening page of my website has a photo of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, each made up by a collage of photos of the American soldiers who have died in Bush's War. But it is now about to become the Bush/Democratic Party War unless swift action is taken.
This is what we demand:
1. Bring the troops home now. Not six months from now. NOW. Quit looking for a way to win. We can't win. We've lost. Sometimes you lose. This is one of those times. Be brave and admit it.
2. Apologize to our soldiers and make amends. Tell them we are sorry they were used to fight a war that had NOTHING to do with our national security. We must commit to taking care of them so that they suffer as little as possible. The mentally and physically maimed must get the best care and significant financial compensation. The families of the deceased deserve the biggest apology and they must be taken care of for the rest of their lives.
3. We must atone for the atrocity we have perpetuated on the people of Iraq. There are few evils worse than waging a war based on a lie, invading another country because you want what they have buried under the ground. Now many more will die. Their blood is on our hands, regardless for whom we voted. If you pay taxes, you have contributed to the three billion dollars a week now being spent to drive Iraq into the hellhole it's become. When the civil war is over, we will have to help rebuild Iraq. We can receive no redemption until we have atoned.
In closing, there is one final thing I know. We Americans are better than what has been done in our name. A majority of us were upset and angry after 9/11 and we lost our minds. We didn't think straight and we never looked at a map. Because we are kept stupid through our pathetic education system and our lazy media, we knew nothing of history. We didn't know that WE were the ones funding and arming Saddam for many years, including those when he massacred the Kurds. He was our guy. We didn't know what a Sunni or a Shiite was, never even heard the words. Eighty percent of our young adults (according to National Geographic) were not able to find Iraq on the map. Our leaders played off our stupidity, manipulated us with lies, and scared us to death.
But at our core we are a good people. We may be slow learners, but that "Mission Accomplished" banner struck us as odd, and soon we began to ask some questions. Then we began to get smart. By this past November 7th, we got mad and tried to right our wrongs. The majority now know the truth. The majority now feel a deep sadness and guilt and a hope that somehow we can make make it all right again.
Unfortunately, we can't. So we will accept the consequences of our actions and do our best to be there should the Iraqi people ever dare to seek our help in the future. We ask for their forgiveness.
We demand the Democrats listen to us and get out of Iraq now.
Yours,
Michael Moore
www.michaelmoore.com
mmflint@aol.com
Michael: If you wish, learn about how Napolean marched into Spain, An exact carbon copy of Bush in Iraq. Napolean wanted a constitution for Spain, set up a figurehead government. Miscalculated. There was no enlightened class. The peasants butchered his troops. Where does everyone think the term "guerilla" warfare came from anyway. Dumb shit Americans!
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