If Saddam Could Do It...

... so could you! A novel, Bush! I mean, this guy wrote the whole damn thing while he was still a busy president, hiding his WMD from the UN inspection team and cosying up with the terrorists, even while taking care of the administration of his own special brand of justice, with a few thousand executions on the side. "Get Out of Here, Curse You!" What a title! Give him a bit of credit for the prophetic vision alone. It's creepy--almost like he forsaw your occupation years ago.

But anyway, how hard could it be? Saddam, it seems, just took the old potboiler template--heredity, power, clan loyalty, Allah, revenge, plus a little bit of the old sexual titillation thrown in--and tossed the thing off. Think of the press you'd get! Not to mention the advance! No problem with a publisher: you'd find one in a flash on the strength of your name alone. I know your language tends to come out a wee bit mangled, but... Even good writing's not seen as a qualification these days. Besides, what are editors for?

So pick your genre. Mystery? No problem. The genial, wildly popular Secretary of Defense shows up with a dagger through his heart in the Rose Garden. Whodunnit? Could it be the beautiful but treacherous Secretary of State? The mysterious, tight-lipped Vice President? The wife of the President, in a fit of vengeful fury?

Romance? I mean, no shortage of scenarios there, either. No shortage of real-life models. I think of your Rice... your Karen Hughes... your Christie Whitman... Good heroines all. But then again, maybe not Christie, unless we cast her as the faithless lover. I can almost write it for you, though, Bush: the steamy sex scene in the Lincoln bedroom! A spot of philandering in the passageway off the Oval Office. A cigar in there somewhere, maybe...? Or has that been done?

Anyway, truth to tell I see you more in the born-again Christian mode--what it is they call that series that's selling copies by the zillion? "Carried Away"? "The Bliss"? I forget. No, isn't it "The Rapture"? (I like the rapine quality of that one.) So how about this for a wild scenario: crusade in Saracen territory leads to all-out war between the Christian and the heathen worlds, and on to Armageddon! The heroes! The battle scenes! The flowing blood! The death and destruction! The redemption! I visualize a climactic scene involving the Voice from the Burning Bush, pronouncing dire judgment on the human species--save for those few pious souls who gave their hearts to Christ.

I mean, you could sell this one to Hollywood, Bush, sight unseen! Just a thought, though. You might have better ideas yourself. A Stephen King-style horror tale? You have a track record, dreaming up nightmare scenarios. And, boy, do those things sell!

Think about it, anyway. And if you should ever need a ghost writer... Well, enough said.